words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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