Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Drunk is not a location!
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
