If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
