I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
