I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
