If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
