Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
