do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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