I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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