I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
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