I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
