Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
