maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
