Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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