Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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