I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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