She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
