Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
