The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
