Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
