you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
