It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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