Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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