Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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