Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
this beer tastes like vomit already
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
