mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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