remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize