There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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