it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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