This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
