So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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