did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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