I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
