Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
