I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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