I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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