your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
