he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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