My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
