My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He shit in the fireplace
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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