dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
