We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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