I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
