I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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