Just mADE A PArabola og urine
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
