You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I came so hard my ears popped.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
