i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
