i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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