The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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