matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
