So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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