I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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