Your dad touched me again.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
