i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
