hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
