so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
